The Classless Fashion Guide to Eye Patches



Having a swollen, watery eye can make you look like a rat plague victim... but, never fear, putting on an eye patch can quickly make you the coolest girl in the bar. Eye patches can relieve strain on compromised eyes, can keep people from avoiding you in case what you have is contagious, and if you position yourself correctly, they can also block your view of the unwanted person beside you.

Patchy eye patch

Making Your Eye Patch

Start with a new, clean, eye patch from CVS or Walgreen’s or someplace else that sells eye patches. You’ll want to decorate your eye patch, just in case someone else shows up with an eye patch – you’ll want to make sure you don’t get caught wearing a less cool eye patch.

– Cover the eye patch with fabric. I used Aleene’s Okay to Wash glue, dotted all over the eye patch. Then I pinned fabric in place and waited for the glue to dry. This does violate the rule of not glueing things which should be sewn, but when your eyes hurt, I think an exception can be made.

– After the glue is dry, trim off the fabric edges with pinking shears, and then apply some decorative elements. Choose something original… I picked patches.

– I apologize for not taking pictures of the process, but my eyes fucking hurt.


Eye patches look awesome with mood lighting.
Eye patches look awesome with mood lighting.

Wearing Your Eye Patch

– To put on the eye patch in the least annoying way, pull the top half of your hair into a temporary top bun. Then place the eye patch over the eye and put the strap around your head. Let the top half of the hair down over the back of the strap.

– You may find that people have trouble making eye contact with someone in an eye patch. It can be somewhat difficult to get the attention of bartenders.

– Keep in mind that when random people say “aargh” in your direction, they are talking to you.


patchy patches

When Wearing an Eye Patch Becomes Annoying

When your eye patch starts to get on your nerves, try this home remedy:

– Slice one lemon and one lime. Place the lemon and lime, ice, sugar, water, and Jameson in a cocktail shaker.

– Vent some frustration by shaking the shit out of the cocktail shaker.

– Pour into a glass and drink. A plastic safety glass may be best; keep in mind you won’t be using depth perception.


Eye Patch Role Models

One Comment Add yours

  1. marco seneca says:

    hahaha … excellent

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