For a long time, I have been stuck in this loop, where I want to get back to this, whatever it is – the putting of my presence into the universe of the eye of the world – but I can’t get myself to do it, because some how it feels inauthentic. But the loop of it is this – its that the thing that feels inauthentic is how quietly I have been living; that I haven’t been breathing little glimpses of my life and my way of seeing into the ether. I haven’t been throwing anything out into the sparkle and fade of the universe, haven’t been falling loudly off the tables I have been dancing on, or vomitting unabashedly into any darkness, not standing and shouting into that dark night that I am here and I can show you scraps of beauty amongst it all. I had always been trying to yell out that I was here, my life was worth capturing, and I saw the beauty in it all, unmanicured but sometimes designed, chaotic and moving and glittering. I was here, and I could see it.. and I believed that I could give you a shot at seeing it to. It has become too quiet to feel like me, and when I go to shine that light on it, I feel some kind of shame that halts me and I know that that is it; that I know I have been being too silent and obscure for too long and now the burden of breaking it is that I have to be aware of it.
This paragraph begs for a manifesto to follow it, but maybe it just doesn’t get one. Maybe its just a thesis statement. It has got too quiet here to feel like me.